If I’ve learned one thing from covering Linus Ullmark since he became an Ottawa Senators on June 24, 2024, it is that he’s open and forthright. My first interaction with the newly-acquired goaltender was during a Zoom call. Since it was during the offseason, I asked about plans for his summer training regimen. Ullmark said he walked his dog and played with his kids. Somehow, I didn’t think he was joking.
So, it came as no surprise that Ullmark’s interview with TSN’s Claire Hanna was no different. However, the interview dug deeper than one could’ve imagined.
Ullmark’s leave of absence
On December 28, the Senators general manager, Steve Staios, stated that Linus Ullmark was taking a leave of absence for personal reasons.
The evening prior, the Senators’ netminder allowed four goals on 14 shots in 27:28 in Ottawa’s 7-5 loss to the Toronto Maple Leafs in their first game after the holiday break.
In the interview, the 32-year-old described he was in stage of anxiety and panic before the game started and during the first intermission. Toronto had scored just 45 seconds after puck-drop.
Ullmark stated the reason for his absence was to deal with his mental health.
“So the real reason is mental health, and there’s been a lot going on for a long time, I would say, dating back to ever since the trade (from Boston). A lot of things have been positive as well throughout the years or these times, but there were a lot of the things that I had gone through or worried about or whatever hasn’t really been dealt with in the right way. And so things has been piling on, off the ice, on the ice, stuff like that. And it comes a time, and you never know when where
the cup starts to overflow,” said Ullmark
“And for me, that was the game against Toronto where I was having panic attacks, not attacks, but seriously having anxiety problems and panic in between first and second period and leading into the first period. But the interesting thing is that we hockey players always think that things are gonna kind of sort themselves out. So I kept playing thinking that the first period is kind of everything will settle once I get out there.
Then you let in the first goal, first shot, first period, I don’t know, 45 seconds in, doesn’t really make you settle in very nicely. Now your thoughts starts to get even more louder. And the thing is that I learned a lot back in the day when my dad passed, regarding depression, regarding sadness, how to really make the darkness your friend.”
Due to the situation occurring out of the game in Toronto, Ullmark reached out immediately after, calling Dr. Gold, who works for the NHL/NHLPA Player Assistance Program.
“It was something that physically manifested me during the game, and I wasn’t myself basically.”
Ullmark’s state of mind
An emotional and honest Ullmark outlines his thoughts that were going through his mind, in part, leading to taking his leave.
“I felt like I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was at the time, and I don’t know why I’m even playing hockey. What is it that drives me? What is it that makes hockey fun? All these things, is just driven up into a paper ball and tossed out the window, or in a trash can. You lose everything, or I lost everything. So when you’re dealing with that, for me,
you’re second-guessing everything that you’ve ever done in your career. Have I really done anything?
Have I accomplished anything? Have I wasted 10 years of mine and my wife’s life by just playing hockey?,” explained Ullmark.
“You know, it gets to that point, and when you’re beating yourself up in that matter, and together with those things, now you’re starting feeling, even though you take the time to not isolate yourself, but taking yourself away from the team. Now you don’t know what’s going on here, because you have to work on yourself. And now all the doubts and all the little demons that causing these negative thoughts are becoming stronger and bigger and louder and they affect you.”
Dealing with rumours
Shortly after taking his leave, Ullmark was notified by Senators vice-president of communications that there were rumours floating around as to the reason for his absence.
The goaltender was not only dealing with his own mental health, but Ullmark also received a double dose when an unfounded rumour scorched the internet.
“So when I spoke to Ian about this, all the feelings and all the things that I went through and about the rumours, stuff like that, it’s not going to help me. It’s going to make things worse. I’m dealing with one thing now I have to deal with another thing,” expressed Ullmark.
Ullmark made note of why hockey players and many professional athletes tend to not be open to the media, “People wonder why hockey players, professional athletes are not talking, why we’re not showing our emotions, why there’s mental health stiga in men and women. It took less than 24 hours to try to find reasons why I’m gone. They say I’m a home-wrecker, a person no one likes on my team, and I can’t defend myself. And it sucks because I have a family. I have a wife (Moa) and kids. I got sent text messages, “Hey are you guys, good?”
On “internet trolls”; “They don’t care. General public do not care in a way, not speaking about the Sens fans, because they’ve been awesome. But if people really, really want us, or in sports, us to be more upfront and honest. Yeah, take a look hard look at yourself in the mirror because this is just the proof I have now that I understand why people are shutting themselves in and tend to do other things than to ask for help.”
Ullmark was appreciative of the backing from his GM in his statement to the media critical of social media rumours, and from his teammates of whom he wasn’t certain what their reaction would be.
“To hear all the nice things that the guys said in the locker room after coming home from the trip. Because all I’m thinking during this time is, what are they thinking about? Everybody knows it’s untrue, but is this gonna put doubts in their mind that I’m not who I am and I’m someone else that I’m trying to be, or something like that?
So when I didn’t look at the interviews right away, they released them in the morning, but I came to the game together with my wife, and we watched it, and they showed the interviews and you see the camaraderie and the love that they had, that really helped me to being able to not put it completely aside, but you know, little by little, helping me in the way of dealing with it.”
Ullmark added it was heartwarming in a good way and that his anxiety of being inside the Canadian Tire Centre was diminishing.
“…a lot of the doubts and a lot of the demons that I had coming into the rink, just left the building, and now the CTC didn’t become a place where I was afraid of and feeling anxiety about entering. It became the place where I know that there’s a lot of warmth, there’s a lot of love, there’s a lot of joy as well.”
Hedman and other players reach out
Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Victor Hedman reached out to his fellow Swede. Hedman, an ambassador for NOSOLO a company which raises mental health awareness in Florida put Ullmark in touch with the group.
Ullmark met with his junior goalie coach, Maciej Szwoch, recently. As a teen, Ullmark almost quit hockey to assist in taking care of his dad, but Szwoch offered a perspective which kept him playing. Szwoch is still a central part of Ullmark’s life.
The Senators backstop touched on others who had reached out including players and people he’s met along the way, “Had really interesting, hard, tough, emotional conversations, with dear friends and people that I’ve seen throughout my career that has reached out to me and told me about their sufferings and what they’ve gone through and what they’ve done and what has helped them. So I wish that me being open will help people at the end of the day. It would be a nice thing.”
With Linus Ullmark making his story public, it’s hoped others will take note and reach out to resources when they’re in need. Break the stigma of mental health.
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