The Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy is awarded annually to the National Hockey League player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey. It’s also an award, at times players don’t wish to receive. But in the case of Linus Ullmark, the Senators goalie fits all the criteria to be named the Ottawa Chapter of the Professional Hockey Writers Association nominee for the Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy.
“It’s both good and bad, in a way, because it’s it’s a one of those honours where it’s very much honourable, where we’re don’t really want it, because that means you’ve gone through a lot of stuff, and it means that you’re going through hardships that maybe people don’t want you to go through. So it’s a bittersweet in that way,” Ullmark told Senators’ PHWA members Friday.
“It’s very honourable getting the nomination, obviously, very thankful for that. I wouldn’t be here for all the support that I’ve gotten through the organization, teammates, family, friends and all that.“
On that continued support, “It’s everything. It’s doesn’t matter whatever you go through, if it’s as an injury or mental health or slump, or all kinds of things in life. You need that support group. You need your people and feel that you can gain energy, happy times, laughters, all these good things that you might not be able to do by yourself.”
Ullmark was granted a leave of absence December 28 after being pulled from a game seven minutes into the second period the previous night in Toronto, allowing four goals on 10 shots. The goaltender told TSN’s Claire Hanna in an interview, “I was having panic attacks, not attacks, but seriously having anxiety problems and panic in between first and second period and leading into the first period.“
The 32-year-old made a triumphant return to the crease January 31, stopping 26 of 27 Devils’ shots in a Senators 4-1 win. The Ottawa backstop has been a key cog in his club’s race towards a playoff berth. Heading into Tuesday’s game versus Tampa, Ullmark has posted an 11-4-3 record, 2.66 goals against average, .894 save percentage over this period.
Ullmark had planned to play earlier and traveled with the team on their three-game road trip and didn’t make his appearance until the Senators’ third game after returning home.
“There was never really a great time, because in during this whole process, I had goals of playing at a certain game that I didn’t meet. I didn’t do that, then we set a new one, and I didn’t make that. So I missed out, so to speak, and failed to meet my own expectations a couple times leading up to that home game. But then once I felt good enough, and we found a great time, and the things that I needed to check off that list was checked off, then, yes, it was very much in a very emotional game to play. And I couldn’t have asked for a better result, but in the moment, I was more happy to just stand there in the game, looking around in the building, soaking the scenery again, and just be happy to be back.”
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But it hasn’t been easy, continuing to “fight his demons” each day. During his much-needed time away, Ullmark learned how to deal with his mental health and continues to learn more about himself and how to deal with daily life itself.
“The only difference is that I’m now more aware of that I was broken, and still am, still very much fighting the demons every single day. And this time around, the difference is that I have more tools and more knowledge about this whole situation and about me myself, so I’m able to handle it better than I was beforehand. And coming to the conclusion that saying that you are broken and you need help fixing is very tough and very hard to do. But once you take into step and you can work towards something to become a better that’s been the biggest part,” explained Ullmark.
The Senators goaltender had been receiving receiving help prior to contacting the NHL’s Player Assistance Program, but felt he was at a breaking point where he needed more.
“I was doing work beforehand, and for me, it’s just I needed more help. And at the point, it was scary at the moment as well, because I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know how to fix it. You know, you’re looking at a problem. It’s either that you look usually, if you don’t know how to do it yourself, you’re looking for help in other people. And that goes through everything, if you’re not a handyman and calling a contractor. And if you can’t sew clothes, you’re calling a tailor. If you watch YouTube, you might fix it in like, two seconds, and then it will break apart in three. So this is about me, and for the long term as well. It’s not something that I just have to deal with right now, I know that this is a very long process, and the help and support that I’ve gotten has been immense.”
Ullmark admittedly has good days and bad, and will continue to do so as he balances life at home and on the ice.
“It’s super hard. Every day is taxing. You’re running on low fumes sometimes, and you need to take more care of yourself from different perspectives. You know, there’s certain moments in time where my battery is so low that I don’t want to be with anyone. And when those times happens, and you’re home and you have two kiddos, you have to be able to give them everything that you can. Is it 10%? is it 30? Is it 50? I don’t know. Sometimes it could be 95 and I’m really happy about those moments when I can just be there, fully engaged. But I’m also happy that whenever I am at 30-40% and I’m able to do that as well and give them everything that I can. Yeah, it might be not that I can play with them for four hours, but maybe I can give them one then I have to rest, or whatever it may be because it’s just takes too much energy and it takes longer time for the battery to refill.”
Much was made when Senators head coach Travis Green declared his netminder wasn’t available to start an important game in Tampa.
“I think I’ve done it now in this interview as well, is that I’m broken and still I’m not fully, completely healed. You know, if say “Shabby” (Thomas Chabot) has his injury, no one’s gonna question that. But just because that, I’ve been playing, all that, and all of a sudden I’m not available, people just started attacking me. No, he needs to play, he needs to be available and like, this is what we pay him for. Buddies, I am very much trying my very hardest every single day to be there, and I was not having the best of days leading up to the Tampa game,” responded an honest Ullmark.
Adding, “I’m not making decisions with starting or not. That’s gonna be absolutely clear. I’m not the one making that decision. I can only say, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do as well during this whole period, is that I’m trying to be really honest about how I feel, how I’m doing. I’m the first one to say, I’m doing F—– S—, but I’m also the first one to say, hey, we’re having a great day. But at the end of the day, I’m not the one that is making the decision to play or not. That’s on the coaches. And the coaches will talk to me, and I will talk to them, and then we’ll come up with a good plan to see what will be the best way forward.”
Ullmark recognizes he still has a long road of healing and learning ahead.
“I’m not fully healed. I’m not gonna be fully healed for a very long time either. I think the only difference is that I’m gonna be able to deal with it better the longer we go and the older I get. But it’s very much a battle at this time around, and that’s what I’m saying. That my battery runs low at a lot of times, and I have to figure out a way how to recharge it, because there’s been a lot of hockey lately, and there’s still a lot of hockey.”
By coming out and telling his story, Linus Ullmark hopes that he can help others who may be hurting.
“But it’s also been, you know, I’m very proud of this fall, that whenever my name gets mentioned, that I’ve helped them in a way of maybe coming forward. Say that they’re also dealing with things, their anxieties, their performance anxiety, or whatever it may be. I feel for them, first of all, obviously, and it’s not like, I’m happy that my name gets mentioned. It’s more that it’s like I said before, it’s honourable, and it’s nice to see that speaking up can help other people as well.”
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